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Gas Trouble

December 15, 2012

I was busy doing nothing when my wife came up to me. ImageShe usually never disturbs me when I am busy, which I am most of the time. Doing nothing, I mean. This must be something serious. I looked at her enquiringly.

“I have gas problem”, she said

“It is nothing to worry about”, I said. “All you have to do is take some antacid”, I added, the pharma man in me rising to the occasion. “It is the excessive gastric acid that causes the build-up of flatulence or ‘gas’ in layman’s term, I lectured. “ The magnesium & aluminum hydroxides in the antacid, neutralize the excess acid and the anti flatulent in the preparation helps to break the flatulence by altering the surface tension of the ‘gas’ bubbles”. “Did you know that the laxative action of magnesium is used to negate the constipation caused by aluminum”. I continued, very pleased that I haven’t still forgotten the basics of pharmacology after all these years.

“Surface tension, my foot!” my wife thundered. “Don’t make me tense and give me an ulcer, I am talking about cooking gas” she wailed. “We have run out of cooking gas” she said. deliberately stressing on the cooking as one would talk to an extremely retarded person.“Are you aware we are allowed only 6 cylinders for a year at a subsidized price? “For any extra we need to pay through the nose and it will burn a big hole in your pocket”, she continued, emphasizing on whose pocket it was going to burn a hole.

At least she had acknowledged who the provider was.

“We have used up 5 cylinders already, and we need to make this last the rest of the year. Have you any suggestions?” she asked.

“Well, for one, you can use it judiciously”

“Look who’s talking. You keep asking for countless cups of tea when you are at home, not to mention the number of times I need to heat and reheat the food while you while away time on the internet”.

“I thought you always complained that I was not at home?” I asked incredulously.

“Yeah, but you are trouble when you are at home too.” She replied matter-of-factly.

“So what do you want me to do?” I asked without wanting to know how I was trouble. I am sure that she would have an irrefutable list on why I was trouble.

“Do something, no”, she said. This is exactly why I want to be born as my wife in my next birth. Whenever there is some trouble, all she has to do is say ‘do something’, then sit back and enjoy my discomfiture, throw a few criticisms on how I have botched up or worse, on how I haven’t done anything.

“Do what?” I asked cautiously, unable to fathom where it would lead.

“Well, you can advise me how to manage with six cylinders a year  or pay the additional 300 odd rupees for the cylinders from now on or arrange for an alternate source of energy, the choice is yours”.

“Okay, for a start, we all can diet 2 days a week and drink plenty of water, the rest of the days.

“Fat chance”, she said and you would have understood what she thought about my diet plan.

“As for paying the extra money for  a cylinder, I need to look for an additional job, but it looks very remote considering that it is a miracle that my company still employs me at my age”, I said taking up the challenge. ”And due to the irresponsible media and their expose of coal-gate scam, I can’t even ask our local councilor for a letter allocating coal for us”.

“ You better think of something fast”, she continued unsympathetically, you have just a month to come up with something before we use up the last of the subsidized cylinder”.

All this conversation was increasing acidity in my stomach and was building up a lot of flatulence. I need to see if I can somehow use this ‘gas’ as an alternate source of energy.

Tailpiece: I know this is totally outdated, but this blog was over 2 months in the making. Now that the government is contemplating to increase the number of subsidized cylinders I had to finish this in one go. In case the government does it, I can always take credit that it was due to my ‘hard hitting’ post.

Image courtesy: Internet.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 16, 2012 08:08

    ha ha; a funny sunday morning read this 🙂

    • December 16, 2012 16:25

      Thanks Priya for the visit and your kind words. Hope you will find some time to read my other posts where I have TRIED to be funny. Bon Appetit. 🙂 🙂

  2. February 6, 2013 21:08

    Sigh. (of contentment 🙂 )
    Missed the tongue in cheek humour that this blog exudes!
    Well, whether the topic is outdated or not, the vent here has made for very entertaining reading.
    So, Happy New Year (it IS my first visit this year to this space 🙂 ), and when are you putting together the manuscript for publishing? You can’t not 🙂
    Glad to be back here, Govind!

    A very Happy New Year!.I remember sending you a new year powerpoint presentation. Did you get it? Thank you so much for your kind words. You made my day.

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