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Licensed to Kill

September 12, 2009

As usual my wife had her way. She managed to get herself a new scooterette. It seems that when her trusted driver (me, of course) forsook his domestic responsibilities over his official work, her mobility gets hampered. When I took this matter to my superiors they wouldn’t have any of this and said that I needed to tour. The only option was to quit my job and be a full time driver, but given the financial condition that we are in it didn’t look like a viable option. So we decided to go for the vehicle.
Only after bringing the vehicle home did we realize that she needs a driving license to take her vehicle out. We turned the house upside down searching for her old license. She had given up driving for some time now. Of late the only thing she has been driving is me….. up the wall, if I may add. Anyways we didn’t find the license but a host of things which we had lost and given up looking for.

I never imagined even in my wildest dream that buying a scooter for my wife will lead to so much trouble. Now I had to arrange for a LLR (learner’s license). We went to the driving school nearby. These people facilitate getting licenses for a payment. They wanted a proof of age, proof of residence and 6 photographs. When she heard this my wife became ecstatic. She thought that they were asking for age proof as they doubted if she was 18. There are times when it is pragmatic to just zip your mouth. Years of marriage have helped me to recognize these moments. This was one such moment.

The driving instructor asked us to come early the next day. He wanted my wife to get a hang of the on-line test she has to go through at the RTO (Regional Transport Office). She was shown a series of road signs and the correct interpretation of those signs. And then we were sent to the RTO at 9.00am. My wife was made to wait in a hall where there were another 100 to 150 people waiting. After half an hour, she was fuming. She is used to being treated royally in our house. She stomped out of hall, expecting that all the officials snap to attention and do her bidding. She only managed to lose her place in the line.
The inspectors came at around 10.45. The online test was done in batches of 10’s. By the time my wife finished it was noon. She had taken the full allotted 10 minutes to answer the 10 questions looking for possible potholes, pitfalls and dead-ends while around her people were taking less than a minute to answer them. She had 9 out of the 10 right and was eligible for a learner’s license. By the time she came out, she had already forgotten what the questions were or her answers to them. As is her wont, anything stressful and she takes them off her mind. Given the fact that she has been eligible for an Indian driving license, I can guess what the questions would have been or for that matter what her answers would have been from the possible options. So here goes.

Q1. As the signal turns green to amber, what would you do?
A1. Accelerate to the maximum and beat the lights.

Q2. You find an old couple trying to cross the road on a pedestrian crossing. What will you do?
A2. How dare they! Don’t they know I am in a tearing hurry? I have the right of way everywhere and will run them down if need be
Q3. You find a lot of vehicles waiting for the lights to turn green. Chances are by the time you reach the signal it will turn red again. What will you do?
A3. Only a fool will wait on the left side of the road and waste time. Can’t anyone see the right side of the median that is empty?
Q4. What does this sign mean?
A4. Look if any policemen are around and then make a go for it if you don’t find any.
Q5. What is your reaction to this picture?
A5. How much of dollars must he be saving for his country? The man should be rewarded for trying to reduce the oil import and not to forget the pollution if he has to go another 4 Km to take a U-Turn.

Q6. What does this sign stand for?

A6. No parking allowed on the left and right of this board, but we can park right under the board.

Q7. What would you do to while make a right turn?
A7. Put my right hand out, put on my left indicator and go straight.

Q8. You can hear the sirens of the ambulance behind you? What will you do?
A8. Make the maximum out of the clearance the siren gets and go as fast as possible.

Q9. A vehicle behind you has got the signal to turn right, but you are blocking his path. He honks to let him pass. What hand signal would you adopt?
A9. Raise the right hand, close all your fingers and stick out the middle finger.

Q10. What does this sign mean?

A10. I should not use the horn. They are not working anyway.

Probably she got everything right except the last one.

Did you know that it is an offence to ride a vehicle without the horn.
Anyways she has a license to do all the non sense that passes on the road. Look out all you hapless guys on Chennai roads,here comes my baby.
P.S. With such driving skills it is a pity that Indian licenses are not recognised in most places.


32 Comments leave one →
  1. Soumyendranath Roi permalink
    September 14, 2009 11:37

    Why bother for a DL? The probability of getting caught without DL is 1 in e to the power of n (where n is the number of road crossings) Ask your son what e means. If you are caught after all, keep a 100 or 500 rupee note. Counterfeit notes are available along the borders of Nepal and Bangla Desh. The prevailing rate is Rs.15 for Rs 100 (c.f) and Rs.50 for Rs 500. After all, will any policeman worth his salt hold up the note for verification?
    My friend threw us a party to celebrate his 25-year driving without licence. He says that he has driven every kind of vehicle – from scooter to a bus. Who will ask a bus driver to show his DL? Soumya

  2. Dhiman permalink
    September 14, 2009 13:02

    That was very funny !!!

  3. Gaurav permalink
    September 14, 2009 16:21

    I took my D.L. in Kolkata, then known as Calcutta 52 years back. It was a three-day affair. On the first day there was identification of road signs (correct ones, not PRG's version)- one mistake and you had to take another test in 3 months and a written test. On the second day, you get into the car with the Brake Inspector who asked you what all the pedals, levers and switches are there for. A dress code was in place. Dhoties were frowned upon, they could get get caught on the brake pedal or flap about putting your co-passenger in trouble. On the third day you actually start driving. Suddenly the B.I. would yell "Stop" and you had to show hand signal to indicate you were stopping. Then driving along a road, he would ask,"If you see a tennis ball coming from the side and runs ahead of you, what will you do?" If you were clever, you would answer,"I will slow down, because behind the ball a boy may come". You got 5 marks. If you said," I will try to chase the ball, catch it and throw it back to the boys playing cricket at the end of the road, your name will be black-marked forever. Now I cannot even think about driving on the Chennai roads.

  4. Anonymous permalink
    September 14, 2009 19:21

    Humor should not be humiliation, even if the person is your better half!

  5. PRG permalink
    September 15, 2009 08:16

    @Soumya: Welcome. It is having a 100 or 500 rupee note when these guys need it (mostly month ends) is the issue. 🙂
    @Dmanji: Glad you liked it
    @Gaurav:Neither do I want to drive on Chennai roads.
    @Anon:There are no halves, we are a whole :). Anyways point noted.

  6. Sneha permalink
    September 15, 2009 09:43

    There are no traffic road signs in U.P. Only posters of Mayawati are there, some of them in fluorescent paint. Driving on a lonely road at night and seeing the glowing face of Mayawati glaring at you makes you step on the gas, as American say, and exceed the speed limit.

  7. aneeta permalink
    September 15, 2009 17:16

    Wish I had your Q&A before I went for my driving test…..great!!

  8. Iya permalink
    September 15, 2009 19:36

    very funny.. do follow up with some actual incidents that happen once she is on the road.

  9. writerzblock permalink
    September 15, 2009 19:47

    ROFL!! That was BRILLIANT, PRG. Way to go.
    And congrats on being selected by Blogadda!!
    Loved Q7 and A7.

  10. Govind permalink
    September 15, 2009 21:30

    @Sneha,Thanks for dropping by. It is not for nothing that Mayawati says that she is putting UP in the fast track. 🙂
    @aneeta,welcome back. Ask and ye shall get.
    @Iya,Thanks for dropping by. Congrats on being picked for Tangy Tuesdays. I think I will run out topics to blog once I stat blogging my wife's escapades. 🙂
    @Pal, Thanks a ton. Hope you 'kalukufied' Brussels.

  11. Shilpa permalink
    September 15, 2009 21:52

    Very very nice post! congrats for your post has been chosen by blogadda for tangy Tuesday picks…


  12. Govind permalink
    September 15, 2009 22:12

    @Shilpa, Welcome. And thanks.

  13. The Survivor permalink
    September 15, 2009 22:24

    That was a good one!!

    Hope your wife does not read your blog 🙂

  14. evanescentthoughts permalink
    September 16, 2009 02:18

    Hey that was very funny.. Are you sure your wife doesnt read your blog? 😛 otherwise you might have to starve to death

  15. Paritosh permalink
    September 16, 2009 12:18

    Do we need to give tests for getting a DL?

    Hell, AFAIR I only gave an orange Gandhiji (the thousand wala) to the broker. I never even saw the face of the instructor who stamped a "ACCEPTED" on my application.

    But then I am from Bihar and it was the time of the great laaluraj. All hail Laaloo!!

  16. charusree permalink
    September 16, 2009 13:37

    Congratulations! Your style has always been very interesting. Keep it up.

  17. Govind permalink
    September 16, 2009 21:20

    @Survivor,Thanks! My wife is obsessed with cleanliness and keeps off all rubbish, including this blog 🙂
    @evanascentthoughts,Thanks!Wow, What a word! 'evanascent'. Thank you for teaching me a new (exciting) word.
    @Paritosh, Thanks for dropping by. Gandhiji or no Gandhiji there has to be a semblance of order.
    @Charusree, Thanks once again.

  18. September 17, 2009 02:16

    good article
    like the pics

  19. Shilpa Garg permalink
    September 17, 2009 13:02

    That was very very interesting expression! Your wife has read this post??

  20. Govind permalink
    September 17, 2009 20:25

    @sm: Thanks and welcome
    @Shilpa Garg: Years of exposure to me has given her the immunity. 🙂

  21. Soumyendranath Roi permalink
    September 19, 2009 16:02

    I started the comments and I may well end it now. This is a very well researched and thoughtful effort. Govind must have spent a lot of time over this. Congratulations!

    However, we must be careful in writing such articles as the 'cattle class' may find fault with some of our articles.


  22. PNA permalink
    September 20, 2009 10:41

    Good show..funny, I say!
    Getting a DL is so painful, diff rules in diff states, all grades, why am I not amazed…


  23. Aditya permalink
    September 22, 2009 19:51

    Hehe that was funny. I dont have one either 😛

  24. shail permalink
    September 24, 2009 13:08

    This is very very bad. I mean, I have commented twice and when I return… No Comment! 😦 I am trying again:

    CONGRATULATIONS!! Well, deserved recognition for a hilarious post.

    BTW, I heard that the new driving manual for learners includes the question-answers you have so helpfully provided here. 😛 😀

  25. Govind permalink
    September 25, 2009 08:15

    @Soumya, you are right need to be wary of the 'cattle class'
    @PNA,Thanks for dropping by and leaving your comment
    @Aditya,Thanks buddy
    @Shail,Thanks to whatever the fault was,you came here thrice. I am honoured.

  26. Solilo permalink
    September 29, 2009 03:29

    Ha..ha…ha.. I believe your wife is not aware of this blog. :))

    Congratulations on the Saturday pick!

  27. Govind permalink
    October 3, 2009 09:01

    @Soli thank you. She is my first critic and she said this post lacked punch. I am lucky that I didn't get it in the eye.

  28. Chris permalink
    October 12, 2009 20:47

    Hilarious post. Great question and answers, I am sure the Driving inspector will be impressed by her honesty and give her the license instead of the learner's permit 🙂

  29. Govind permalink
    October 13, 2009 08:25

    @ Chris, Thanks for your kind words. It was not her honesty but tht money I paid that got her the license.Sadly Honesty doesn't pay. 🙂

  30. January 9, 2010 09:31

    I wonder who is that Ananymous person in your list of commenters! Lol

  31. January 13, 2010 10:21

    Aahan! Hilarious indeed!Why don't you make a post some day throwing some light on the driving skills of auto drivers in metros? 😉

  32. January 14, 2010 11:12

    @Saras, Thanks for dropping by. It is not who you think it is. :)@Haresh, Thanks for dropping by. I have been contemplating on a post on autos.

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